Day 14, 15, 16:
I had such a lousy week and weekend. By the time Monday arrived, I was devoid of creative energy. That’s why this is a combination of three days I missed. Now, I didn’t miss those three days because they were negative. The last three days are the most alive and happy I’ve felt in years. It may not last – I hope it does.

That’s right. I’m telling you that I haven’t been depressed. I haven’t been funky, fatigued, feeling like a failure, or anything remotely related for three days.

Monday was alright. It wasn’t anything super special, but I never hit the late afternoon slump.

Tuesday was brilliant. I’ve not felt such enjoyment in months and all while eating a taco. Taco Tuesday! It’s always great to drive out to western Massachusetts.

Wednesday wasn’t unique, but I spent most of the day completely good. I’m writing this on Wednesday evening, reflecting on what feels like a pretty stellar week compared to the misfortunes of the weekend.

Today’s Anthem: Nine Inch Nails – Closer

Today’s Book: Preston & Child – Crooked River

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

2/5 – Pain was okay. None after treatment.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

4/5 – I had some excellent sleep nights. A few cases of waking up lightly or from dreams but overall great.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

4/5 – My appetite was appropriate and consistent. However, my appetite was especially ravenous on Tuesday.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

4/5 – If I’d had just a touch more energy I might’ve taken over the world.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3.5/5 – Motivation existed. However, I struggled to remain focused on any specific task. I wanted to do everything.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

Monday: 4/5 – Decent day.
Tuesday: 5/5 – Drove. Visited places. Ate good food.
Wednesday: 4/5 – Decent day.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

Self-care. Good friends. Good Food.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Happiness
Satisfaction
Healthy

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I’m terrified this won’t last. I observed that there are still memories that can be regained from before cancer treatment. I found joy and excitement in forgotten things. I learned more about various fetish subcultures. I devoured books and discovered things.

Day 13: I’m not too fond of this week. Hmm, I didn’t realize it was day 13. I’m not typically superstitious, but this day has been some of the funkiest I’ve felt since starting treatment.

Not just this day, but this whole week I’ve been fighting with the darkness quite ferociously. The cycles of highs and lows are still intense, and as a result, I find myself really struggling with everyday annoyances.

Maybe a friend or coworker didn’t have time to respond, or I’m not getting the attention I need for something work or otherwise. There’s a definite sad vibe that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. Either that or I’m experiencing a new range of emotions that I wasn’t feeling before.

It’s hard to be sure. I’d been taking antidepressants, and I was numb. Now I’ve had to relearn how I feel about anything and everything. I’m unsure whether this new wave of emotion is real or just continued self-discovery. No matter the reason, the reality, or the cause it has been a profoundly troubling week for me.

Today’s Anthem: Wake Me Up – Tommee Profitt feat. Fluerie

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 – Pain was intense but manageable.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently. But I wanted to sleep the sweet sleep of depression all day.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite remains very low. I barely eat when I have food in front of me. But I put food in front of myself frequently enough to not be skinny.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic. The depression kind.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

1/5 – Motivation was fairly low along with my mood.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 3/5 – I was doing okay in the morning. It wasn’t a high state. Barely north of ‘meh’.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

A technology mishap. A need unmet. A tiring lapse into memory and constructionism and normative thinking.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Anger.
Frustration.
Emptiness.
Darkness.

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I met a woman who knows Weird Al. I apparently remind her of his wise-cracking normal conversation. These stories you can’t make up. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…

Day 12: This TMS treatment feels like forever. I’ve read three books since I started. Reading really helps distract from the pain. It’s not always enough, but it keeps me focused during the breaks between pulses.

Once again, the morning started out with a positive mood. After I’d recovered from the tension of the treatment. However, it eventually went downhill pretty severely by the evening. It’s been making it challenging to write in the evening, and so I try to get these blogs knocked out around midday.

I keep waiting for the turning point, something to show things are getting better. There are small signs that it is having an effect. The mood shifting up and down is more than the even-keeled just south of okay I usually feel. While I wish I didn’t have the steady progression of good to bad each day, it is better than feeling nothing at all.

Better than being cold-blooded. Less chance of falling out of trees that way.

Today’s Anthem: Ben Platt, Lin-Manuel Miranda – Found/Tonight

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The tension headache hung around for a portion of the morning.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite is just not much these days. I eat but it feels like I’m just doing it to fill time and not my belly.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4/5 – Alright. Alright. Alright!

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

The work was quiet. My best friend stopped by to hang out mid-day. Laura visited in the evening.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Good and Bad. Boredom, Depression, Frustration in the evening

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Dancing to Selena Gomez makes people laugh at you on Facebook.

Day 11: The Return of the Sine Wave.

Day 10 had the unique distinction of breaking the up and down cycle of my mood throughout the day. Day 11 brought it back with a more substantial high and more significant fall than previously recorded.

I sit with my feelings and attempt to find causes. Throughout the day, I strive to be present with my body and understand how I react to various interactions. I’ve come to realize through practicing mindfulness that I willfully ignore how I’m feeling about things as they happen. Interacting with certain people may lead to feelings of joy, and other individuals might inspire disdain.

There are decisions to be made each day in regards to activities, food, plans, and attitude. If you pay attention closely enough, you’ll begin to notice which things inspire fear, sadness, and happiness. Your body will scream these feelings to you even if you ignore them and suppress your logical reaction.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because on Day 11, I was unable to find reasons for my sadness. It was an abyss of depression with no beginning and no real end. I paid attention, and nothing precipitated the change. It just happened.

Today’s Anthem: Selena Gomez – Bad Liar

Today’s Book: E. E. Cummings Complete Poems 1904-1962

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The headache didn’t follow me home like a lost puppy.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

4/5 – I slept like a rock.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – The evening I was so low that I didn’t want to eat. I ultimately had pizza because sometimes you just press the default button.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4.5/5 – I woke up feeling pretty fantastic. Hopeful even.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

It was a relatively uneventful day. A good phone call, a good gaming session, and a decent day at work.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Boredom
Exhaustion
Depression

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Friends are important. So is protecting yourself from humanity.