Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Post #11

Day 11: The Return of the Sine Wave.

Day 10 had the unique distinction of breaking the up and down cycle of my mood throughout the day. Day 11 brought it back with a more substantial high and more significant fall than previously recorded.

I sit with my feelings and attempt to find causes. Throughout the day, I strive to be present with my body and understand how I react to various interactions. I’ve come to realize through practicing mindfulness that I willfully ignore how I’m feeling about things as they happen. Interacting with certain people may lead to feelings of joy, and other individuals might inspire disdain.

There are decisions to be made each day in regards to activities, food, plans, and attitude. If you pay attention closely enough, you’ll begin to notice which things inspire fear, sadness, and happiness. Your body will scream these feelings to you even if you ignore them and suppress your logical reaction.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because on Day 11, I was unable to find reasons for my sadness. It was an abyss of depression with no beginning and no real end. I paid attention, and nothing precipitated the change. It just happened.

Today’s Anthem: Selena Gomez – Bad Liar

Today’s Book: E. E. Cummings Complete Poems 1904-1962

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The headache didn’t follow me home like a lost puppy.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

4/5 – I slept like a rock.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – The evening I was so low that I didn’t want to eat. I ultimately had pizza because sometimes you just press the default button.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4.5/5 – I woke up feeling pretty fantastic. Hopeful even.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

It was a relatively uneventful day. A good phone call, a good gaming session, and a decent day at work.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?


Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Friends are important. So is protecting yourself from humanity.

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