Day 19, 20:
Difficult. This week has been stressful, but not for the reasons you might think. It wasn’t depression, rather my lack of depression that has helped me survive the onslaught of the beginning of this week.
Unfortunately, I can’t talk about the incident at work that was the source of my troubles this week. Suffice it to say; it’s never good when technology doesn’t work.
I digress, this post isn’t about my work week. This post is about TMS and depression, which is why I shall continue to prattle on about work. If you’re reading this post, you’re at the very least interested in learning about TMS and depression. You may even suffer from depression yourself. I’d be preaching to the choir if I continued to wax enthusiastic about how much of a struggle work and daily life can be complicated with depression.
It wasn’t a problem this week. I’ve never felt less depressed. Now, please don’t take that to say I’m all sunshine and rainbows over here. I’m not.
What am I then? I’m free to make decisions about how things affect me. I’ve been present, aware, focused, and able to engage with feelings without being dragged into the abyss.
An important distinction to make is that a lack of depression is not necessarily a positive emotion. What it represents is the place you start from. It’s hard to successfully navigate the needs of work, family, friends, and, most importantly, yourself when you’re starting from a place of darkness. This realization feels powerful.
Today’s Anthem: A Perfect Circle – The Hollow
Today’s Book: Preston & Child – Crooked River (continues)
Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?
3/5 – Pain was intense. Some residual pain after treatment.
Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?
4/5 – Dead, like a victim of a vampire, drained of all fluids and consumed.
Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?
4/5 – Ravenous. Sushi. Teriyaki beef. Because I am never satisfied, tacos before bed.
Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?
3/5 – I felt okay. I wasn’t going to run a marathon but I wasn’t winded either.
Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?
4/5 – Motivated. Accomplished much and learned a few things.
Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.
3/5 – Frustrated while working. Alive and happy in the evenings.
Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?
Monday, I was impacted by work despite it being a holiday. I enjoyed a little bit of time hanging out with people but also had to listen in on a phone call for a major issue. My evening was filled with roasted vegetables, crime procedurals, and just the right amount of animals. Tuesday, I went in search of fun and exploration in Northampton culminating in a night of eating sushi, teriyaki, shumai, among other delicacies. Northampton, MA is a beautiful town full of interesting characters and shops.
Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?
These activities. My outings, food, experiences, and adventures serve to feed a need I have to constantly learn. It helps power and fulfills my basic needs. Realizing that I need this in my life has been one of the most important revelations of the past few years.
Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?
I learned that there is an amazing tattoo and piercing shop in Northampton; Haven in case you need a recommendation. The owner is a funky and amusing person (overheard interactions). Beef teriyaki is everything I wanted and didn’t know I needed. There’s no substitute for a good taco on a Tuesday. A lack of depression isn’t happiness.