Day 17, 18:
I now bring us back to our regularly scheduled broadcast. Day 17 was chaotic and intriguing, it started with excellent mood and motivation, but eventually, the day devolved into a mournful sorrow.
Day 17 is also notable for the excited rapidity with which I talked. I was hyper, manic(?), and it felt like my brain was on fire with thought and ideation. My thoughts weren’t negative until later in the day, but it felt like someone added some nitrous to the brainpan.
On Day 18, the technician administering the TMS treatments asked me how I was doing. I told her about the three great days at the beginning of the week and how I didn’t feel safe admitting it was a positive change.
It was an enlightening conversation. We are all ruled by some level of fear, and as a depressed person, it isn’t easy for me to be open to the possibility that this treatment is helping. I don’t trust it. I’m suspicious and guarded because if it fails, I don’t want to be disappointed.
Today’s Anthem: Fort Minor – Remember the Name (feat. Styles of Beyond)
Today’s Book: Preston & Child – Crooked River (continues)
Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?
2/5 – Pain was okay. None after treatment.
Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?
3/5 – Restless nights. Easy to sleep, hard to stay there.
Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?
2/5 – My appetite was low again. I’ll take it. TMS as a diet?
Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?
4/5 – Day 17 was awash with energy. Day 18, not so much.
Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?
3/5 – A plethora of motivation with a lack of direction.
Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.
Thursday: 4/5 to 2/5 – I started positive, but ended poorly
Friday: 2/5-3/5 – I started low, raised a little but not much.
Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?
My baseline seemed unaffected by my activities. However, for the record, I spent time with Laura and a day working remotely in the Berkshires. I took my laptop and drove around the western bits of Massachusetts, working from cafeterias and bars along the way.
Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?
My Berkshires outing seemed to bring me up a bit, but not much.
Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?
I learned that there’s still a long way to go and that some of the fights are my own battles. A reminder that TMS is just a tool.