I don’t think I’ve ever gotten used to the idea that I’m depressed. I mean, I know I am, but there are times when the symptoms kick up, and you’re facing them at that moment. You can’t see them for what they are. You get so focused and cyclical that you metaphorically destroyed your entire room before you realize you’ve started throwing things.
I think I’ve been doing reasonably well lately. I’ve been regularly working with a therapist, meditating, getting my head zapped by magnets (TMS posts). However, as this week stretched on, I felt it all begin to unravel. My depression and my brain conspired to dig through everything I’ve experienced this week. They were searching for loose threads, stones, and weaknesses. Spoiler alert: They found them.
By Friday, I was angry, defeated, unsure of myself, and devoid of any semblance of confidence. I was angry and wanted space for myself to ruminate and conquer these thoughts. The problem with this rumination is that when you’re depressed, it becomes a hellish merry-go-round, and you can’t stop the ride. I needed some alone time and also needed someone to grab the wheel and finish the spin — quite the paradox.
Even as I write this, my head still spins in an infinitude of what is or isn’t okay. How much of what I also perceive is real? That’s the problem with depression. Small problems because magnified and overwhelming.
I went out to the internet in search of something entirely unrelated. I happened upon this great article about breaking dark, obsessive thoughts. I was experiencing another manifestation of my depression.
These thoughts can be dangerous. They’ll twist common everyday annoyances into massive and distorted works of fantasy that confuse you. You might feel like someone intentionally wronged you or that you no longer matter to someone. You might think that everyone knows how fake you are or that you’re going to get fired any day now.
It’s amazing what just one little thread and a spin-cycle of dark thoughts can do to you.
I know that over the past week, I have been irritable and unstable. I hope that I haven’t impacted anyone. I am fortunate, though, that most of the people I let into my life are aware of the darkness. They know what it is, and some of them even call it out. I appreciate all of you.
I’ve resolved much of the tortured thoughts from this week save for one. There is something that feels amiss, missing, an absence that I can’t quite explain nor remember if it ever existed. This small haunting vibe has the potential to get out of control.
I’m looking forward to Monday. Therapy, TMS, and a chance to decompress these issues.
Fight, damn you. You’ve got an amazing scarf.