Month: February 2020

Emotional Captain’s Log – Shitdate Now

I don’t think I’ve ever gotten used to the idea that I’m depressed. I mean, I know I am, but there are times when the symptoms kick up, and you’re facing them at that moment. You can’t see them for what they are. You get so focused and cyclical that you metaphorically destroyed your entire room before you realize you’ve started throwing things.

I think I’ve been doing reasonably well lately. I’ve been regularly working with a therapist, meditating, getting my head zapped by magnets (TMS posts). However, as this week stretched on, I felt it all begin to unravel. My depression and my brain conspired to dig through everything I’ve experienced this week. They were searching for loose threads, stones, and weaknesses. Spoiler alert: They found them.

By Friday, I was angry, defeated, unsure of myself, and devoid of any semblance of confidence. I was angry and wanted space for myself to ruminate and conquer these thoughts. The problem with this rumination is that when you’re depressed, it becomes a hellish merry-go-round, and you can’t stop the ride. I needed some alone time and also needed someone to grab the wheel and finish the spin — quite the paradox.

Even as I write this, my head still spins in an infinitude of what is or isn’t okay. How much of what I also perceive is real? That’s the problem with depression. Small problems because magnified and overwhelming.

I went out to the internet in search of something entirely unrelated. I happened upon this great article about breaking dark, obsessive thoughts. I was experiencing another manifestation of my depression.

These thoughts can be dangerous. They’ll twist common everyday annoyances into massive and distorted works of fantasy that confuse you. You might feel like someone intentionally wronged you or that you no longer matter to someone. You might think that everyone knows how fake you are or that you’re going to get fired any day now.

It’s amazing what just one little thread and a spin-cycle of dark thoughts can do to you.

I know that over the past week, I have been irritable and unstable. I hope that I haven’t impacted anyone. I am fortunate, though, that most of the people I let into my life are aware of the darkness. They know what it is, and some of them even call it out. I appreciate all of you.

I’ve resolved much of the tortured thoughts from this week save for one. There is something that feels amiss, missing, an absence that I can’t quite explain nor remember if it ever existed. This small haunting vibe has the potential to get out of control.

I’m looking forward to Monday. Therapy, TMS, and a chance to decompress these issues.

Fight, damn you. You’ve got an amazing scarf.

Every so quaint and humble. 🙂

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Post #13

Day 13: I’m not too fond of this week. Hmm, I didn’t realize it was day 13. I’m not typically superstitious, but this day has been some of the funkiest I’ve felt since starting treatment.

Not just this day, but this whole week I’ve been fighting with the darkness quite ferociously. The cycles of highs and lows are still intense, and as a result, I find myself really struggling with everyday annoyances.

Maybe a friend or coworker didn’t have time to respond, or I’m not getting the attention I need for something work or otherwise. There’s a definite sad vibe that doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. Either that or I’m experiencing a new range of emotions that I wasn’t feeling before.

It’s hard to be sure. I’d been taking antidepressants, and I was numb. Now I’ve had to relearn how I feel about anything and everything. I’m unsure whether this new wave of emotion is real or just continued self-discovery. No matter the reason, the reality, or the cause it has been a profoundly troubling week for me.

Today’s Anthem: Wake Me Up – Tommee Profitt feat. Fluerie

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 – Pain was intense but manageable.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently. But I wanted to sleep the sweet sleep of depression all day.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite remains very low. I barely eat when I have food in front of me. But I put food in front of myself frequently enough to not be skinny.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic. The depression kind.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

1/5 – Motivation was fairly low along with my mood.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 3/5 – I was doing okay in the morning. It wasn’t a high state. Barely north of ‘meh’.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

A technology mishap. A need unmet. A tiring lapse into memory and constructionism and normative thinking.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Anger.
Frustration.
Emptiness.
Darkness.

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

I met a woman who knows Weird Al. I apparently remind her of his wise-cracking normal conversation. These stories you can’t make up. Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society…

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Post #12

Day 12: This TMS treatment feels like forever. I’ve read three books since I started. Reading really helps distract from the pain. It’s not always enough, but it keeps me focused during the breaks between pulses.

Once again, the morning started out with a positive mood. After I’d recovered from the tension of the treatment. However, it eventually went downhill pretty severely by the evening. It’s been making it challenging to write in the evening, and so I try to get these blogs knocked out around midday.

I keep waiting for the turning point, something to show things are getting better. There are small signs that it is having an effect. The mood shifting up and down is more than the even-keeled just south of okay I usually feel. While I wish I didn’t have the steady progression of good to bad each day, it is better than feeling nothing at all.

Better than being cold-blooded. Less chance of falling out of trees that way.

Today’s Anthem: Ben Platt, Lin-Manuel Miranda – Found/Tonight

Today’s Book: Mary Oliver – Blue Horses

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The tension headache hung around for a portion of the morning.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

2/5 – I woke up frequently.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – My appetite is just not much these days. I eat but it feels like I’m just doing it to fill time and not my belly.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4/5 – Alright. Alright. Alright!

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep. (a repeat of yesterday)

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

The work was quiet. My best friend stopped by to hang out mid-day. Laura visited in the evening.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Good and Bad. Boredom, Depression, Frustration in the evening

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Dancing to Selena Gomez makes people laugh at you on Facebook.

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Post #11

Day 11: The Return of the Sine Wave.

Day 10 had the unique distinction of breaking the up and down cycle of my mood throughout the day. Day 11 brought it back with a more substantial high and more significant fall than previously recorded.

I sit with my feelings and attempt to find causes. Throughout the day, I strive to be present with my body and understand how I react to various interactions. I’ve come to realize through practicing mindfulness that I willfully ignore how I’m feeling about things as they happen. Interacting with certain people may lead to feelings of joy, and other individuals might inspire disdain.

There are decisions to be made each day in regards to activities, food, plans, and attitude. If you pay attention closely enough, you’ll begin to notice which things inspire fear, sadness, and happiness. Your body will scream these feelings to you even if you ignore them and suppress your logical reaction.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because on Day 11, I was unable to find reasons for my sadness. It was an abyss of depression with no beginning and no real end. I paid attention, and nothing precipitated the change. It just happened.

Today’s Anthem: Selena Gomez – Bad Liar

Today’s Book: E. E. Cummings Complete Poems 1904-1962

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

3/5 — Pain was intense but manageable. The headache didn’t follow me home like a lost puppy.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

4/5 – I slept like a rock.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

2/5 – The evening I was so low that I didn’t want to eat. I ultimately had pizza because sometimes you just press the default button.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

1/5 – I was tired and lethargic.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

2/5 – Motivation started out okay and quickly took a nosedive.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 4.5/5 – I woke up feeling pretty fantastic. Hopeful even.

PM: 1/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was so depressed I couldn’t will myself to do anything else but sleep.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

It was a relatively uneventful day. A good phone call, a good gaming session, and a decent day at work.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Boredom
Exhaustion
Depression

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

Friends are important. So is protecting yourself from humanity.

Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Post #10

Day 10: Tuesday. I chose to take Tuesday evening as a day of self-care. I went for a drive, had some excellent Mexican food, and explored some personal interests. These concepts make for a late post, but it is also so important to take care of yourself.

I didn’t experience the sine wave of moods that I had mentioned yesterday, and I stayed on the upper end of the spectrum. How frustratingly inconsistent, I identified and then immediately break the pattern.

The mood wasn’t the only aberration as my pain level increased during treatment and a tension headache followed after. I’m beginning to wonder what this is actually doing to my brain.

Today’s Anthem: Little Shop of Horrors – Mean Green Mother from Outer Space

Today’s Book: Margaret Atwood – morning in the burned house

Pain: How badly did the treatment hurt? Did I have headaches afterward? Other issues?

4/5 – Pain was significant and jarring, very painful during treatment and some tension afterward.

Sleep: How’d I sleep? How many hours? Quality?

3/5 – Sleep remains steadily unimproved.

Appetite: How’d I feel about eating? What did I eat?

4/5 – I was feeling ravenous and yet didn’t eat much. Maybe it’s a lack of bulgogi in my life.

Physical Activity: What did I feel capable of doing? What did I ultimately do? How did I feel afterward?

3/5 – I felt good but was quickly worn out by any physical exertion. I think the repeated doses of Advil is causing something funny with my cardiovascular system. May have to try moving forward without taking it for treatments.

Motivation: How much proactive motivation did I have? What motivated me? What were my goals? Did I hit them?

3/5 – Motivation was okay. I managed to accomplish the tasks I set out to do throughout the day.

Baseline Mood: What am I feeling as a baseline.

AM: 3/5 – I woke up feeling pretty well about myself and my day. I had a slight dip and then rebounded for the evening. Breaking my sine wave idea.

PM: 4/5 – By the time I went to bed, I was exhausted but not for the lack of a great evening. I enjoyed Mexican food, good random conversation, and a bit of fun for the evening.

Happenings: What’s happened today that may impact my baseline?

I went for a drive in the Berkshires, had Mexican Food, made it back in time to get a couple of games in and we actually won. I had some great conversations and really felt like I freed up a section of my mind for a bit.

Reactions: What were my reactions to the happenings?

Happiness
Deliciousness
Victory

Learnings: What did I learn, observe, etc.?

“We have priorities, Omar!” – shouted by a drunken woman at her waiter in the Mexican restaurant. I can only imagine those priorities are as follows.

  • Margarita
  • Margarita
  • Belligerence
  • Margarita
  • Thinly veiled racism
  • maybe an Ambien